Having an affair with a narcissist is like having an affair 10x.
It all starts with being love-bombed. Whether you wanted to get into this relationship or not, all of a sudden you feel like you’ve met your soul mate. Everything in the world feels shiny, exciting and euphoric. The narcissist is like an addictive drug and you want more. He says all the things you’ve longed to hear and you feel like a sexy woman again.
He’s confident, alluring attractive and you find yourself imagining leaving your marriage to be with him.
You start making excuses to sneak out of the family home to get your ‘narcissist drug fix’. The guilt is eating you up inside, you feel so torn, trying to maintain this secretive life whilst attempting to appear normal in front of your husband and family. Your brain feels like it’s been taken over and you fantasize about being able to escape from everything just to clear your head.
But the narcissist doesn’t have true feelings. He makes you feel special in the beginning so he can hook you in.
He is so good at telling you exactly what you want to hear and let’s face it, you probably explained in detail to him all about what was missing from your life so it’s not difficult for the narcissist to then pretend to be everything you want. But you are just supply to him, a source to feed his ego.
Narcissists will often choose married women because they are so easy to gaslight. And sooner rather than later, their mask will slip and you’ll start to see signs of the real ugly man.
If the narcissist is married too and having an affair then even better for gaslighting:
‘I couldn’t text as my wife was here’, even though you were sure he said she was out.
‘I can’t message tonight’ yet he’s showing up as being online on messenger.
He may suddenly not text at the ‘agreed time’ and leave you panic stricken. Any attention is good attention to a narcissist and they particularly enjoy creating drama and frantic head spins.
He will enjoy coercing you into leaving your marriage, may make sly digs about your partner and will enjoy hinting that he’s out and in the company of available women on nights he knows you can’t escape as you have family commitments. Anything to make you feel needy and insecure and wanting him more.
If you don’t conform to the game he will soon start ‘silent treatment’ and ignore your messages. Your head and your heart become disjointed. Your head can’t understand why you want someone so badly that’s treating you this way yet you pine for his attention and crave the fix that only he can provide.
He may start making little comments about your looks or something you are wearing and before you know it your self-esteem is taking a hit and you are trying everything.. diets, new clothes, changing what you say and how you act to try and fit his expectations.
Affairs never end well and if you aren’t careful you are going to get caught. People around you at home aren’t stupid. From spending lots of time on your phone, moping around, taking extra time getting ready than you would have done before and buying lots of new underwear, the signs will start to show.
If you decide to leave for the narcissist then it’s worth noting that statistically you are screwed. Only around 5% of affairs end in marriage and that ignores the narcissist element. Narcissists need constant excitement and adoration.
You may have problems in your marriage but you can’t possibly compare the affair and marriage sensibly. You have small windows of time with the narcissist, he sees you looking your best. There are no chores to be done, no children to manage.
If you were able to spend more uninterrupted time together, you’d soon see a drop in excitement. Things you hadn’t noticed about the narcissist would begin to annoy you and it’s almost certain, now the thrill of the chase had gone, that the narc will be secretly looking elsewhere for his thrills.
Getting Over An Affair With A Narcissist
I cannot reiterate enough ..please do not leave your marriage for this man. I know it’s a head spin but you must try and see things for what they are.
Think of the narcissist as if he were an illicit drug. Narcissists are addictive and you need to go no contact to give yourself head space. If you feel bad about disappearing then wait until the next time the narc is dishing out the silent treatment, I bet you won’t have to wait long. Then block block block.
Work on yourself and remove him from your system. This is going to take time. Talk to a therapist if you can afford one, particularly one experienced in narcissism, having an affair with a narcissist and the extra difficulties they bring.
Try and figure out why you cheated and make an effort to work through this in your marriage. I’m not suggesting you tell your husband, just think of ways to try and improve the home situation. I promise you if you go no contact it’s like cold turkey, damn hard at first but over time the craving fades and you start to see the narcissist for the head f*** he was.