You’ve no doubt read countless articles on the benefits of ‘No Contact’, how it allows you time to step back and see things for what they really are. Maybe you’ve instigated No Contact for a while, only to suddenly get an urge and before you know it you are messaging him or looking him up on Social Media.
It’s an uphill struggle to control your mind and the sheer force of the craving you have, just to be his number one again, can make you want to curl up and hide from the world. Before long you are back living the toxic cycle.
So why is it so hard to stay away and for our minds to accept how toxic they are to us?
Narcissists are amazing people readers and they know how to keep us in the game. All good marketers will tell you that the best way to sell anything is with a hook, story, then offer. The narcissist is a natural at this and he has lots of hooks and stories for you about why ‘this time will be different’.
When you first meet a narcissist he will appear charming, he will often seemingly have a group of admirers or friends that hang onto his every word. He may even appear a bit ‘out of your league’. So when he suddenly starts paying you attention it will feel like you’ve won first prize.
A magical heightening of emotions occur and your brain gets hooked onto that magic and you want more. When the narcissist starts pulling away and testing you, your brain works overtime to try and find new ways to get the magic back.
Even after you’ve been badly treated and discarded, your brain still doesn’t want to accept that he was a jerk. It just wants to feel some of those lovely magical feelings again!
It’s like playing slot machines. Have you ever seen people putting coin after coin into a slot machine, seemingly not able to move away? Reserving the machine while they get more money, hoping the next coin they put in will give them their big payout. More often than not they lose their money but the memory of the last time they won and those feelings keeps them hooked.
You crave his attention, but to get that big win you must suffer more losses. The losses become more frequent but you want to be on his radar so badly that you accept more and more low times for the trade-off of feeling special again. The Narcissist conditions his victims over time to become more and more dependent on his approval. In effect, the Narcissist becomes both your jailer and source of freedom.
The only way to recover is to cut him completely out of your life. But if this feels too soon then my suggestion, if you are able to do so safely, is to journal your feelings and keep an honest record of events. Ask yourself what you’d advise a close friend, if this was a journal of their life? The art of writing brings forth a consciousness that otherwise fades as rose tinted memories and hopefully you will decide to make that first brave step towards a new better life.